Category: Watch

Primeval (-)

A serial killer terrorizes Africa for years. Turns out this serial killer is a croc. Crikey!

There’s a lot to say about crappy movies – they’re crappy. Primeval is no exception to this rule. Why would you ever see this movie? In my case my friends wanted to see it even though I told them that it was bad. 10 minutes into the movie I asked them if they wanted to jump over to another theater that was showing Children of Men and we all agreed to leave. That was the best part of the movie.

Unlike bad movies that are funny such as Snakes On A Plane, Primeval is just a poorly made movie that begs the question how the hell did this movie get made? A killer crocodile in Africa sounds like a great idea that would make a thrilling movie (note the sarcasm). The movie has sucky actors who are in a sucky movie. There is nothing worthwhile here.

Avoid at all costs!

Metal Slug Anthology (+)

A compilation of the Megal Slug arcade series.

One of the great things that the Wii offers is its retro gaming with the Virtual Console. If you love the games on the Virtual Console or just in general like old-school arcade games, pick up Metal Slug Anthology! Not only does this game offer you six different ways to control your character, but it also packages in seven Metal Slug games! Even if you’ve played Metal Slug in the arcades you’ve never experienced it quite like this.

The objective in all Metal Slug games is simple: go from beginning side of the level to the end of it. Fight variety of enemies such as soldiers, mummies, undead, and terrorists. Throughout this game you’ll be dieing over and over. Unlike in the arcade, the Wii version allows you to respawn over and over again. You don’t have to insert more coins, simply press continue and let the mayhem keep on rolling.

It’s amazing to see what the Wii controller allows developers to do and Metal Slug Anthology is a prime example of how the Wii-mote can be used in different ways to simulate similar gameplay. While none of the control schemes work perfectly, it is fun to try them all out. The most difficult of all of these controls  Wii-mote and nunchuk, nunchuck only, tilt Wii-mote, Wii-mote, arcade, and Gamecube controller – is the arcade mode. It’s hard to emulate the feel of a joystick by holding the Wii-mote vertical. After a while it hurts your hands.

The 2D graphics aren’t comparable by today’s standards. When they are blown up on any big screen TV they just look nasty. Thankfully though it is still easy to see all of the action on screen. The blood that spews from enemies as you shot them or cut them with your knife is graphically speaking the best part.

There is co-op which allows for at least some replay value. The unlockables, music tracks and concept artwork, aren’t worthwhile though. For seven games Metal Slug Anthology is worth at least a rent. Since all the games were built for the arcades, the gameplay offered in them doesn’t last that long. But again if you like old-school games Metal Slug Anthology is a must buy.

Rocky Balboa (+)

The sixth movie in the Rocky series. Do we really need to see an old man fight?

There’s a lot to be said for a movie which no one believed in. After both the critical and financial disappointment that is Rocky V, how could Rocky VI be any better? There’s no other phrase to say except Sylvester Stallone punched this movie till it bled.

Rocky Balboa represents the reason why old people are crazy! No one in their right mind would fight in a boxing match that could potentially end their life.

Rocky Balboa is a great movie because it’s like seeing an old friend that you haven’t seen in over 10 years. You catch up with them and still feel an emotional connection for the person after all these years.

Now it definitely doesn’t hurt that Rocky is in the same slump that he was in during the first film. As with the first film, the environment is a character in itself. Rocky Balboa talks a lot about the situation that today’s society is in, focusing on its materialism. Seeing the new champion fighter in comparison to Rocky is just depressing. The new champion fighter, which Rocky eventually boxes in a Pay Per View match, has everything that money can buy, while Rocky has barely anything.

Much like the previous films, Rocky Balboa places little emphasis on the fight itself and focuses mainly on morals and values. There are many moments in this film when you’re on the verge of tearing up. When all is said and done it’s amazing that this film was done for a mere $24 million.

There’s something about Rocky that will never get old. This was the first Rocky movie that I saw in theaters and it was an amazing experience. This is the type of movie that makes people want to applaud throughout the entire film. The kind of energy that this film brought out was simply amazing.

Somehow Stallone made a great film about the old vs. the young (ok it wasn’t solely about that). Now all I want to see in Rocky VII is Rocky fighting someone when he is 90 years old. That would be interesting…

Edward Scissorhands (+)

An inventor creates a machine, named Edward, with a heart, but dies before he can give it proper hands. Edward lives a life of solitude until one day a makeup saleswoman takes him out into the real world.

Edward Scissorhands is not the type of movie that you would want to watch over and over again till your mind can’t take it anymore. It’s a movie that you can revisit years after your last watch and still enjoy the zany characters and story. Just today I decided to revisit this Tim Burton world.

It is a timeless story about love ala Beauty and the Beast. What differentiates this movie from the pack is the style that it is brought forth in. The whole package has been skillfully assembled from the story, to set designs, and even the music. It is one of the few films where you care about all of the characters.

The set designs are gorgeous ranging from the Goth style (Edward’s Mansion) to the suburban lifestyle of the 1960s-1970s. The movie plays off of these two different worlds so well. From jokes to emotional disconnection the world that surrounds these characters is as real as life itself.

The composer, Danny Elfman, has scored some amazing music. It fits the style of the movie so well. It helps the viewer imagine the world from Edward’s innocent point of view.

Even to date there still has yet to be a movie like this. Yes it bares resemblance to Night Mare Before Christmas and other Tim Burton films, but its world still remains unique. The creativity that has gone into this film has and forever will make this film stand the test of time.

Let’s Go to Prison

Remember the previews for Let’s Go to Prison? The Warden says that if anyone is innocent, they should step forward, and they can go free. One poor soul chooses to do so, and gets a gun butt to the face. Pretty much the character of the whole movie.

“We should be cellmates. I don’t snore, and I’m a quiet masturbator. Hell, I’ll even give you the top bunk.”

Though the movie is pretty crude, its definitely not as vulgar as I expected. It has a healthy mix of what one would expect as prison humor, and amazing performances by supporting roles. Chi McBridge’s performance as ‘Barry,’ the huge “black dude” inmate, has such heart that its impossible NOT to fall in love with him: unless, I suppose, its you he is wooing. I kid you not: “Prepare to be woo-ed, by the master.”

Another great supporting role is that of the Warden, played by Dylan Baker. His cold demeanor, coupled with his dry ‘humor’ makes this guy funny because he’s NOT if you know what I mean. I mean honestly, what a dick.

The writing is pretty good, even though the premise is pretty silly. When criminal John Lyshitski finally gets out of prison another time, he goes after the judge who’s sent him there, time after time. When he finds that the judge is dead, he goes after the judge’s **bleep** son, gets him sent to jail, and decides to commit a crime to follow him in. When a surprising turn of events turn Nelson Biederman the IVth into boss of the slammer, things are a little less fun for John Lyshitski.

With good acting, great dialogue, and some great plot twists, this movie is one to stop by and check out, even if you’re not running there NOW. Go see it with some friends, and hey: if your babe can handle The Pick of Destiny, go ahead and make a date night to see Let’s Go to Prison. You know you want to.

The Pick of Destiny

The tagline: The greatest motion picture of all time. I think it pretty much lives up to it, if you narrow the category to the greatest Tenacious D motion picture of all time.

That said, the movie was great. If you’re a Tenacious D fan, this movie has everything that you’ll expect from a Tenacious D movie. That is to say, if there were a Tenacious D movie, this is exactly what it would be like. Which it is.

With a whole new lineup of songs, you won’t be bored by listening to the tracks from the album you may have already heard a thousand times. Though there are a few teasers alluding to the previous album. I don’t want to ruin it for you, though.

Definitely a soundtrack you’d want to get your hands on. That aside, Jack Black does his usual, which pleases the fans but may irritate those specific people who don’t specifically like that guy. So don’t go to the movie with those boring people. Kyle Gass does a great job on-screen, and his acting is fabulous. Though, with those two, I’m pretty sure they aren’t acting too much.

As far as the writing, I really liked the plot. It delves into the fictional creation of the band, which is an entire great subplot in and of itself. After discovering that a single pick has been used by all the Rock Masters, the duo embark on a quest to acquire this item so that they, too, can become great. I don’t want to spoil too much, because so much of comedies especially ones like these are pretty fantastic when you’re surprised by the absurdity.

I will say though, that Ben Stiller makes a worthwhile appearance, and that’s pretty fun. He does a good job. Overall, I’d definitely recommend this as a movie to see when you’ve got the guys together, but you might want to avoid this one as a date movie: unless you two are cool like that.