The Scorpion King: A Solid B-Movie

The Scorpion King (2002)
Universal Pictures
Starring: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Kelly Hu, and Michael Clarke Duncan
Rated PG-13 for action, sensuality, and peril (why not, it’s as ridiculous as rating something based on smoking)
92 minutes

You’ve got to hand it to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, he’s had a pretty successful film career that has been compared to that of Sylvester Stallone’s and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s. The former WWE star, turned actor made his first film appearance as the Scorpion King in The Mummy Returns in 2001. Unfortunately, Continue reading “The Scorpion King: A Solid B-Movie”

Vikings + Aliens = Outlander

Viking Boat!

Now, I’ve always thought that the Vikings deserve to be treated better in Hollywood. We have Rome represented over and over again and 300 made Sparta immortal in Hollywood. But for the Vikings, we had to endure the desaturated headache that was Pathfinder. But all that can change in a major way when sci-fi viking epic of pure awesome, Outlander comes your way later this year.

In the classic galactic struggle between man and alien, the ship of a human from a faraway planet crashes into the Nordic coast. Our hero, Kainan thus finds himself in the company of Vikings, but he is not alone. His adversary, an alien creature, the Moorwen also emerges from the wreckage and since he’s the monster-baddy-thing, we have him wanting to destroy everything there is. And well, Kainan and the Vikings must stop him.

To be honest, the plot sounds like a video game to me. The concept would totally work, but since there’s a movie coming out, we have to dash all our expectations there. Still, the movie can be equally awesome, because 300 proved last year that a story high on visual effects and action can actually be excused for a shallow story.

Still, who the hell doesn’t want to see freaking Vikings fighting freaking aliens! It’s outstandingly awesome! And to prove it, check out the great trailer they just released. It’s intense and totally works up on the action element. It also doesn’t seem to have the musty old-age feel most period films tend to have. With the sci-fi element, it feels a lot more slick. Check out the trailer below and there’s a great gallery of photos here.

Critics hate the Hitman movie. A lot.

Hitman Movie is Rotten

Most gamers have been hailing the famed Hitman movie as being the last saving grace for video game movies. Fans rejoiced when it was confirmed that Hitman is heading straight for an R-rating. It appears that all that has been in vain.

Critics have gotten their miserly hands on the Hitman movie and are not impressed. We have no reason to distrust Rotten Tomatoes, so here’s their score: 13% . Yes folks, time for a loud ‘WTF?!’ That’s right, the critics don’t like it one bit. There are a few positie reviews, but most of it looks bad. We took a quick glance over the reviews, and here’s what they say:

  • It is mindlessly cold and brutally violent (which is good for most of us).
  • Plenty of nudity – yes, sir!
  • Horrible story, direction, screenwriting, action, everything. Then again, when was that ever important in movies?
  • Comparable to James Bond and Bourne movies – in the bad way.
  • I particularly like Stephen Whitty’s statement: “A lousy picture.”
  • The positive reviews appear to be sarcastic, and not entirely hope-inducing.
  • EXCEPT Pete Hammond from Maxim: “It delivers top-notch action, dazzling gunplay and lots of fireworks. What more could we ask for?” Got a point there, Pete.
  • Some statements are hilarious: Apparently the film thinks fans of the videogame will empathize with a guy who has zero practice dealing with women.
  • This is a script written with the sensibility of a geeky 12-year-old boy and then dumbed-down some. More than some.
  • A movie so bland it’s hard to believe it was inspired by anything more than a Wikipedia entry on ‘action thrillers.’

While this makes for some good laughs for us folks not interested in the Hitman games, you can expect a lot of fuming from the Hitman camp. But nyah, those are critics. We, the viewers do want mindless violence, secks, blood and guns.

You might think that’s not bad for a video game movie, but it actually is. Here are Rotten Tomatoes’ scores for some other video game movies:

DOA: Dead or Alive: 34%
Resident Evil: 33%
Resident Evil: Apocalypse: 21%
Resident Evil: Extinction: 22%
Mortal Kombat: 20%
Doom: 19%

Wow. Hitman is worse than Doom? Is that even possible?

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