Critics hate the Hitman movie. A lot.

Hitman Movie is Rotten

Most gamers have been hailing the famed Hitman movie as being the last saving grace for video game movies. Fans rejoiced when it was confirmed that Hitman is heading straight for an R-rating. It appears that all that has been in vain.

Critics have gotten their miserly hands on the Hitman movie and are not impressed. We have no reason to distrust Rotten Tomatoes, so here’s their score: 13% . Yes folks, time for a loud ‘WTF?!’ That’s right, the critics don’t like it one bit. There are a few positie reviews, but most of it looks bad. We took a quick glance over the reviews, and here’s what they say:

  • It is mindlessly cold and brutally violent (which is good for most of us).
  • Plenty of nudity – yes, sir!
  • Horrible story, direction, screenwriting, action, everything. Then again, when was that ever important in movies?
  • Comparable to James Bond and Bourne movies – in the bad way.
  • I particularly like Stephen Whitty’s statement: “A lousy picture.”
  • The positive reviews appear to be sarcastic, and not entirely hope-inducing.
  • EXCEPT Pete Hammond from Maxim: “It delivers top-notch action, dazzling gunplay and lots of fireworks. What more could we ask for?” Got a point there, Pete.
  • Some statements are hilarious: Apparently the film thinks fans of the videogame will empathize with a guy who has zero practice dealing with women.
  • This is a script written with the sensibility of a geeky 12-year-old boy and then dumbed-down some. More than some.
  • A movie so bland it’s hard to believe it was inspired by anything more than a Wikipedia entry on ‘action thrillers.’

While this makes for some good laughs for us folks not interested in the Hitman games, you can expect a lot of fuming from the Hitman camp. But nyah, those are critics. We, the viewers do want mindless violence, secks, blood and guns.

You might think that’s not bad for a video game movie, but it actually is. Here are Rotten Tomatoes’ scores for some other video game movies:

DOA: Dead or Alive: 34%
Resident Evil: 33%
Resident Evil: Apocalypse: 21%
Resident Evil: Extinction: 22%
Mortal Kombat: 20%
Doom: 19%

Wow. Hitman is worse than Doom? Is that even possible?

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Michael Bay to leak false info on Transformers 2, is being an ass

Screenshot from Transformers

As if Michael Bay bitching about not doing Transformers 2 wasn’t enough, he is now determined to wrestle innocent fanboys and movie news sites. Bay told Rotten Tomatoes that he has several fake scripts which he is going to leak “all over the place”. Since fans will never know that these are fake, they will be confused and Bay will be one happy boy. There is already one out, see if you can catch it.

I fail to see the genius in revealing that you’re releasing fakes if you ARE releasing fakes. Since people are going to know that the copy they hold is a fake, there isn’t going to be as much hype and viral marketing for the movie. If Bay is NOT leaking anything, but is lying in this article, then I label him a genius.

Bay goes on to boast about how he got the writer of The Ring to join the crew and how the story is going to be good, just like the first was. So, Transformers fans, here’s my advice to you: If you see a fantastic Transformers script, a brilliantly written, a spectacular once-in-a-lifetime script, you know it’s a Michael Bay-approved fake and doesn’t have a chance of being the actual movie.