This is the city, Los Angeles, California. I live here. I drive a blue car. A blue car that some a-hole rammed into while I was at work and smashed my driver-side signal light and dented my bumper. Did they leave a note? No! Jerkface!!
Anyway, it was finally the day that I had been waiting for for months. I was finally going to visit StuffWeLike founder and CEO David at his new home in an undisclosed location near the Southern California coast.
David had given me two prospective routes to take to his home and I chose the one that Google Maps indicated would be shorter. Much to my chagrin, two accidents had occurred on the 405 on my way there, which resulted in a much longer journey than I expected.
Soon, however, I arrived at his home. A posh estate tucked away in the hills, this beautiful home boasts a fountain, a spa, and seven bathrooms. Upon arriving, I rang the doorbell outside the two gates that lead to the front door. I was informed by the butler that David was awaiting my arrival and to proceed to the back of the house.
It was there I met David. David was still in his jammies, but after some cajoling I convinced him to change so we could begin our exciting day together. David’s room is bigger than my apartment, and the view from his balcony is simply breathtaking. I can see why he’s so popular and I’m not.
David gave me a brief tour of his home where I met the housekeeper, cook, and the other butler. We then jumped into David’s sweet ride – 2013 BMW – and off we went (it’s amazing that this website has afforded David so much success and yet he’s unable to pay me for my articles…hmmm).
I told David about my car and when I showed him, a funny thing had happened: the dent in my bumper had vanished. It was present when I left my apartment that morning, but when I arrived at David’s it was gone. What demonry was this? I can’t even fathom a guess. The light was still broken.
Anyway, we sped over to one of three community centers where I was shown a huge fitness center and a men’s room with a bathroom attendant awaiting my arrival. It can be a little disconcerting having someone waiting to hand you a towel after you do your business, but I figured if the rich can get used to it then so can a poor guy like me.
We left the community center and raced around the hills as David showed-off the million-dollar homes that exist in his universe. We then traveled down the hill and onto the PCH (that’s slang for the Pacific Coast Highway), and headed onward to out adventurous day.
David had us stop briefly at a feed store to show me giant rabbits (apparently, this was his idea of a good time). The homely middle-aged woman behind the counter was skeptical of why we were there. David told her, which did nothing to assuage her skepticism. She informed us that the rabbits were sold but still in the back. Holy crap! They were huge rabbits! And there were chickens, too. But they were regular size.
Onward we drove and out next stop was the Malibu pier. We walked around and I took pictures of the ocean and a seagull. Some poor bird had become tangled in a fisherman’s fishing line (sorry, “fisherperson’s”) and was desperately trying to break free. After we called PETA’s emergency bird hotline, we made our way to the beach.
We walked along the beach, out shoes leaving footprints in the wet sand. We took some more pictures as we walked and chatted about our dreams and our fears (I am not a fan of scorpions; David’s afraid a penny will fall from the sky and cut him in half). We saw one woman sunbathing topless but she was face down, which was disappointing. So, off we walked back to the car to find food.
After a lively conversation about the differences between Zoomba, the Roomba, and Zuma, we made a quick turn down a road that led to Malibu High School. It looked like it was closed so we were unable to pick up any chicks (i.e. lonely soccer moms), so we got lost in a series of cul-de-sacs until we finally made it back to the PCH.
David and I stopped for lunch at Subway at Point Dume Village where we saw an anti-paparazzi sign. We sat in two comfy chairs inside the Subway to have lunch. I had a footlong Spicy Italian; David a footlong Meatball. To our surprise this swanky Subway had a restroom!
Back in the car, David took us down an uphill road that led to an elevated area that overlooked the ocean. There was one other car with an older woman inside. David took my picture with the ocean in the background. I did the same for him. Then he got his crazed look in his eye.
“I should take one with my shirt off,” he said. Off came the shirt. I snapped a few pictures. “I should take one in my underwear!” Keep in mind that woman was still present while this was all taking place. David was down to his briefs super-fast, exposed to the world on a ridge overlooking the ocean.
Reluctantly, I took the photos. That’s when I heard the car. The lady pulled next to me and asked: “You want me to take a photo of you two together?” I politely declined the offer. She told us that there were whales visible from the ridge and she took off.
Back in the car (yes, he got dressed before we returned to the car), we drove back toward his house. We stopped by a small trail and walked along briefly. We saw large drain pipes and rocks stuck in cement (were these rocks there to catch bodies, or were they left by ancient aliens? Ancient alien theorists believe that both are a possibility).
We took a quick detour down another pathway where I almost slipped and fell. There was an ominous tree tunnel that scared David almost as much as the penny thing but much more than stripping down to undies in front of me.
Back in the car, we returned to his palatial estate and played ping-pong in his kitchen (yes, the kitchen is that big!). We then proceeded outside where David humiliated me by trying to make me learn how to skateboard. When that failed we tried to toss a football around. When that didn’t work, I decided it was time to head home.
I will never forget how truly magical this day with David was. All my apprehensions and fears about going to see him at his manor were abated upon my arrival. Even the sudden nudity did not affect my overall impression of our day together (perhaps it even helped it). Thank you, David for a wonderful day.
And thank you for the flowers you had delivered to me at work this morning.